Things are going OK at school, well, sort of. I have been debating about this post for awhile. When we were preparing to adopt, we were told that we need to expect to have 'issues' with the children. But I could never really find much solid information about these actual issues. I would read blogs of folks that adopted and everything seemed just peachy. Well, now that I have adopted - I understand. You blog about the good things, the fun things. Someone said to us, 'Daniel is always so happy!' Well yes, he is happy a lot but we also don't whip out the camera when he is standing in the corner and screaming. I guess it's natural to focus on the good. My intent here is full disclosure, for any readers out there that want to know what kind of problems we're having.
Daniel is struggling in school with his behavior. The school sends home a daily report on their behavior. They either get a smiley face, a straight line face, or a frowney face. The first day of school he got a straight line face and the note said that he had to be 're-directed' a lot today. That doesn't really help me a lot. I told the teacher I need specifics. He still doesn't have a lot of English so I can't speak in generals. I need to know what we can work on specifically. The second day of school, we got a note from the teacher that he hit 3 different kids and actually choked one kid with both hands around their neck. I was horrified!! We didn't have any issues like this at day care.
But then I thought about it. When we first brought him home, he used to hit me and Jason. We worked on that a lot over the summer and every time he hit, he stood in the corner. He seems to have learned that this is not acceptable and he hasn't hit me in a long time. But obviously, this was his coping technique at the orphanage. It was allowed (that we saw) and how he survived there. So in a new situation where he feels threatened - that's the behavior that comes out. I should have expected it. So we talked all weekend about not hitting the kids and on Monday we got a smiley face! But of course, things don't get resolved that easily. That's an ingrained behavior and his knee jerk reaction. It's going to take awhile to program in a new reaction to a tough situation. Yesterday we got a frowny face for jumping on another kid. We are still working on it....
7 comments:
We had the same choking behavior out of our son, who is smaller. I truely believe that is a behavior used by kids in the orphanage to defend themselves. He will get over that instinct, with lots and LOTS of time. Just think about all the overwhelming activities that has went on in his life in the last 4 months!! We have to stop and take a step back sometimes as I "forget" everything our kids have been through. You're doing a wonderful job. Continue showering him with love.
I too, have experienced less than desireable behavior from my four sons (all born in Ukraine). It is hard for us to understand, but it is truly survival of the fittest in the orphanages. Even in the best run groupas, the children must protect themselves. One of my sons is VERY impulsive. We have been home for 10 months and we have worked VERY hard at curbing this behavior. I will say that we have kept him under very heavy watch and almost micromanaged him at times to reward and punish his behavior. We have had the benefit of seeing him "act out" on his brothers, whereas your son does not have siblings and a school setting may remind him of an orphanage. It seems that you are doing all the right things. I would get very detailed (and firm) with his teacher that you need specifics, and the behavior must be addressed immediately. They must praise him a lot too!!! It may be too soon for him to go to school, too. Every child is different! Please don't feel alone. EVERYONE who adopts (and has biological children) deals with challenges!
Oh my. I agree with Conethia. This too shall pass. Keep showing him in a loving way how to deal with frustrations. He'll get it.
Our son also was hitting at school but not at home. The teacher only talked to him about his behaviour and it wasn't until I insisted that there was a consequence that the hitting stopped. I also really pushed that they 'catch him being good' as I think he was using hitting to get attention. Although we continued to talk to him about any hitting, sadly at this stage the 'talking' seemed to make no difference at all. He'd agree to no more hitting then the next day...more hitting. I also ask him, in the car after school, questions like 'who did you help today?', who did you show kindness to today?' to try to change the expectation away from 'no hitting' to 'showing kindness and respect'.
I made sure the teachers really understood that although I was not defending the behaviour, they could not wipe away 3 years of orphange life and survival strategies.
And of course make sure you look after yourself and have people you can off load on, you need to be in a place where you can give lots and lots of love.
Keep up the good work. Remember Positive Reinforcement is the best way to handle this behavior problem. This is still so new to him and he has to be overwhelmed. You all are doing a wonderful job and This Too Shall Pass with a lot of love. He has to be corrected and told what he did wrong and why it hurts others and he will eventually feel secure in his environment. The language is a problem that only time will heal. Always do as your doing and correct him and always explain why he is being punished. He will understand with time..Always make a big deal about good days and good behavior. This will help him to see good experiences versus bad experiences..You all are doing a great job and with any child there has to be ground rules..He is no different. He will come around..
Hugs,
Debbie
Thanks for being open and honest. It really helps those of us who are are a few steps behind you in the adoption process. Blessings!
You are doing such a good job with Daniel! It is very brave of you to open about the "not so good days" but so helpful for others to know that this isn't a fairy tale and life isn't perfect! Katie hits, too, sometimes, but usually only her mother whom she adores! She is not adopted, has never been struck in her life, and seems to get along with other kids at her school. But, still, when frustrated and angry, she hits. Little ones ae a work in progress. You've received some excellent advice from your friends.
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